now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
