i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
