It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Randomize
