Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
