I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
