Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
