Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
