At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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