i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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