Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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