Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
