I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
