Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
