Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
