If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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