you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Randomize
