I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
