I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
