I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
