i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Success! We fucked roommates!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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