he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
