Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
