SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
