I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
