"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
