did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
