just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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