I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I would fuck him just for his dog
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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