I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
