We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
We got so high we made milksteak
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
