I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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