And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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