If that was your dad, he is hot
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
