I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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