life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
