My liver just broke up with me...
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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