The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
