He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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