I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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