we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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