i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
