dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
