So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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