Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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