remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
do herpes really smell.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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