Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
