mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
