phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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