I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You took a bar mat shot.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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