My sheets look like a crime scene.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
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